Heroics and Hippopotami
by FlipperSquirrel of Doom
Summary: The Holy Grail of Daniel blackmail material!


Disclaimer: We don't own anything, not even our shoes.

Authors note: Sorry for the mild Daniel Bashing, but we liked Jonas better. And we received inspiration from Jeff Foxworthy's Bearded Lady skit…it was totally awesome. Oh and there is actually a fiction book called Heroics for Beginners, its totally awesome and where we got the idea from. So if you have gotten through all this and continue reading this you have made two college sci-fi dorks from Kansas extremely happy!

**Heroics and Hippopotami**

* * *

"I'm sorry O'Neill, I do not see how that could possibly test an individuals endurance, agility, or strength." Teal'c said handing Jack the small rubber mallet. 

"Well Teal'c it just seems you aren't cut out for the timeless game of whack-_A_-mole" He said surveying the severely dented carnival game. He then set the mallet on top of the newly deformed machine and turned to face Teal'c "I guess I should have told you to just tap the moles as they pop up and not just the same one at full swing."

"Then why do they call it whack-_A_-mole O'Neill?"

"Umm…I dunno T, but they should really change the name fore those people who take everything literally…anyway lets try the strong man game…you won't beat any poor innocent moles into submission with that game." Jack said while trying to keep a straight face.

Just as Teal'c and Jack turned to wade through the crowd toward the Strong Man game they spied Carter and Daniel and a new companion…a giant god-awful neon pink stuffed hippopotamus, with a teeny purple bowler hat perched on its massive blinding head.

"So Daniel…what's your girlfriends name?" Jack inquired eyeing the hippo curiously.

"She's pretty."

" Hey Carter you double dating?" Jack asked seeing something in her hands for the first time. It was a palm sized stuffed penguin with a neon green bow tie that would have made a clown jealous. "He know about the black widow curse?" Jack said under his breath.

"I heard that sir" She replied. "And as a matter of fact…no he doesn't."

Daniel rolled his eyes "Anyway…can we try some of the rides out now?" "My date" he said referring to the hippo. "Is quite a pricey lady." He then scratched the hippo's chin for added sarcastic effect.

"Not a bad idea hippo boy, The Strong Man game might not be a good idea, Teal'c has already whacked one machine into a pre-mature death, a regular Dr. Kavorkian of carnival machinery." Jack added with a nudge at Teal'c.

After a few moments of deliberation the foursome set out towards the Tilt-a-Whurl. While waiting in line a couple of minutes Teal'c asked " O'Neill is that not a women with follicle growth on her facial area?"

"Yeah Teal'c, that's what we like to refer to as the infamous bearded lady. It has boggled the minds of geniuses and frightened small children into their beds for centuries." Jack replied in a serious tone.

"What is the point of a bearded lady O'Neill?" Teal'c inquired.

"It's a sideshow Teal'c, to make you feel better about your own life." Jack stated.

Carter who was listening to this conversation rolled her eyes at Jack and then noticed a bucket of odd looking bolts and various part pieces. " What are those?" Carter asked the bearded lady.

"Oh…just left over parts from set up this afternoon." She replied.

"Uh…Carter I think I'll pass on this one." Jack said while backing out of the line.

"As will I Colonel Carter." Teal'c said as he turned to follow Jack.

Daniel looking torn between following the guys and sticking with his fellow geek finally said " Yeah Sam…why don't we just go back to my place and order some pizza?".

" Oh…Ok fine…you guys have NO sense of adventure what's so ever." Sam huffed.

As the guys started to walk towards Jacks truck, Carter turns and follows them muttering under her breath " Pusses."

Suddenly Jack yells from the front "I heard that Carter, just for that you don't get to pick a topping."

* * *

As the group sat lounging around Daniels living room discussing the meaning of string. Daniel strode in. 

"I have some good and bad news guys. The good news is that I ordered the pizza, the bad news is that it would take two hours for delivery…but I can pick it up in 20 minutes so I'll be back in a bit."

"Ok Space-Monkey, we'll be sure to touch EVERYTHING while your gone." Jack said slyly.

"Sam!" Daniel gasped.

"Don't worry Daniel I'll keep an eye on him" Carter assured.

A couple of minutes later.

"I can't take this stupid Simpson's analogy anymore." Sam thought as Jack explained to Teal'c how the Simpson's represents the American dream. Getting up Carter starts to peruse Daniels bookshelf. Tucked in the back between "Ancient Languages of Dolphins" and "The History of the Chamber Pot" was a small self-help book called Heroics for Beginners.

Sam plucked the book off the shelf curious as to why Daniel would own such a book. As she began to thumb through it a small leaf of paper fluttered to the floor. Sam stooped down to snatch up the scrap, as she stood upright again she began to read the paper. She now noticed it was practically stained all over with Daniels chicken scratch. Sam could hardly believe what the paper contained.

_Steps to a better Daniel Jackson: Operation O'Neill Carbon Copy_

Step 1. Find a Power Animal- Hamster

Step 2. Find a Theme Song to hum during intense moments- "Its Raining Men"

Step 3. Power Saying- YOUR BETTER THAN JONAS. As Carter read this line

She couldn't help but think to herself "Good luck with that."

Step 4. Find Power Symbol and carry it around as a talisman.

Step. 5 Do something Heroic- saved Sam from certain doom.

As Carter read the list she couldn't help but giggle.

"No giggling Colonel." Jack said.

"Sorry sir, but I couldn't help it" Carter by this time had reached the end of the list and was laughing mercilessly. As Jack came over to investigate what had sent his Colonel into hysterics Carter tried to unsuccessfully hide Daniels list.

"tsk tsk tsk…what do we have here" Jack asked as he snatched the paper from Carters grasp. " SWEET…this is the holey grail of blackmail material." Jack exclaimed excitedly. "Hmm…Operation O'Neill Carbon Copy huh…didn't know I had a fan club." Jack laughed.

The door opened and Daniel walked in with the pizzas. "Hey guys I stopped and got some beer." He said while looking at his friends, he notices Sam trying to smother her hysterical laughter, Jack holding a book and a piece of paper that looked surprisingly familiar, and Teal'c with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh shit, that's not what it looks like…" Daniel finally said.

"Oh no no no Danny-boy I think this is exactly what it looks like." Jack teased.

It turned into one of those old west shootouts where nobody moves, you could hear the whistling wind and a dust bunny rolled across the floor between Jack and Daniel.

Finally from Carter's direction Daniel hears "So Daniel…Its Raining Men?"

Daniels faces turns a deep shade of red and starts to stutter " well…I…I…you see…I couldn't decide on a song, so I picked the next song that came on the radio."

"But still…Its Raining Men?" Jack inquired in disbelief.

"What…it's a deep, meaningful song and it's well…peppy..." Daniel defended.

"Ok, so if not the song, what's up with the hamster?" Carter asked, finally in control of her laughter.

"What? Hamsters are so cute and cuddly. They have a never ending supply of energy, you know they run on their wheels as the time… plus they are adventurous, always jumping off of stuff in order to explore their surroundings." Daniel said.

"They don't jump! They fall Daniel… they have no depth perception." Carter explained.

"Well.. Carter Danny's got a point…haven't you ever heard of all those fierce hamster attacks this year?" Jack teased.

"Daniel Jackson, why is you power phrase 'I'm better than Jonas!'?" Teal'c inquired.

"Well… I don't know, some people seemed to like Jonas better. Plus he is totally cute… I mean cool… and HE STOLE MY OFFICE!" Daniel finished in a yell.

Jack was reading the list and noticed that Daniel had 'saved Carter.' He honestly couldn't remember it ever occurring. "Hey space monkey, when did you save Carter from 'certain doom'?"

"Oh… remember on that planet where Sam got attacked by that pterodactyl like bird. The one where I jumped in front of it to save her?" Daniel trailed off as he noticed his friend's faces, ones of barely contained laughter.

"Jumped in front?!" Carter asked. "You mean slipped on a patch of lubricant and went careening into a tree."

"As I recall Daniel Jackson it was O'Neill that saved Colonel Carter from 'certain doom' with his P-90." Teal stated.

"Yeah, ok… well… I meant to." Daniel defended himself in a last ditch effort. "Anyway… pizza is here." He said walking away.

"Wait, not so fast… so what is your 'power talisman?' And where is it?" Jack asked.

"Oh that! Here." He said lifting up his sleeve. "It is a tattoo of an ancient Asian animal of power."

"You have a tattoo?" Carter asked surprised.

"Yeah, it has helped abundantly."

"Hey Danny, it looks like a purple unicorn." Jack scoffed.

"It is NOT!… It's a distant cousin." He said as Carter snuck up behind him. "HEY! Don't touch!"

She licked her thumb and wiped his 'tattoo.' " Its magic marker sir." Carter laughed.

"…You have a unicorn tattoo in purple magic marker ?" Jack said in disbelief.

" Yeah, well…I started to get a real one…and well I…uh…sorta fainted and they wouldn't let me get it." Daniel muttered.

* * *

One week later in SCG headquarters " I am so glad that after the party, and quite a few beers, the guys seemed to have forgotten about the whole 'improvement thing'." Daniel thought to himself. As SG-1 stood in the embarkation room. " I'm surprised Jack hasn't hounded me about it." Daniel could feel some major embarrassment setting in. 

Suddenly Daniel heard a distinctive voices signing "Its Raining Men Hallelujah Its Raining Men." Daniel whipped his head around to see Teal'c holding a boom box, Carter stooped near the wormhole to tighten her boots, she glanced up at Daniel with a shit-eating grin on her face, and went back to what she was doing.

As Daniel began to walk toward her and the open Stargate. Suddenly Daniel hears Jack shout "LOOKOUT CARTER!" as the bow tied penguin from the carnival came hurtling toward her. Daniel immediately threw himself to the ground as Carter shot up to catch the now falling penguin. "Hero huh." she smirked coming over to Daniel and laying the penguin near his splayed white knuckled hands.

Over the laughter of the personnel in the room Daniel could hear one distinct voice chuckling, " Sorry Danny –Boy, we couldn't wait for the Christmas party this year."


End file.
